FROM THE WIRES

NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.
Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide
rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra
movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the
FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents
in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x'
and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of
medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every
triangle.'

'When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God
had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would
have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told
reporters they could not recall a more profound statement ever made
by the president.

The Perspective did not write the above wire story, but it was too funny
to pass up, source unknown.